So I finally had the pleasure of catching Bitch Slap… or should I say displeasure. From director Rick Jacobson, a man responsible for sooo much bad TV and film, comes a film about lesbians, diamonds, and guns. Man, this was one hard movie to get through. No amount of cleavage and ass could save this aweful, torturous piece of shit. Someone had to owe someone big to get this off the ground. I mean c’mon, where do I start… The acting and dialogue was like listening to nails being scraped across a chalk board. Even the key players from Hercules and Xena (very limited roles) were terrible. The films use of green screen feels like a bad student film, jarring in every possible way. The effects… the blood and wounds… for a film that had sooo much gore, you’d think they’d have put just a little more effort into at least that… nope!

But its got hot chics in it… (I can hear guys arguing this point now). Yeah, Bitch Slap is full of busty lesbian, trash talking, hard asses. So much so, the tagline should have read “Too much cleavage…” or better “every chic’s a lesbian in this film…”. From a male’s perspective, can you really have too much cleavage in a film… yup. This film has you yawning at the copious amounts of sweaty breast meat after the first 15 minutes. With all the flesh being thrown around, you’d think… hey, nudity… nope! I think there’s like one shot of bare breasts in the whole film and it’s like trying to find Bigfoot in one of those old unsolved mystery photos…

Who would rent or buy this film? No one I’d hope, but unfortunately after I poked my eyes out of my skull, and cut my ears off… not in that particular order, I realized, there’s a lot of guys like me out there, who are gonna fall for it. The sad thing is, Bitch Slap is what it is. It doesn’t pretend to be anything better, and as guys we’re gonna see that cover and think… yeah baby!

Trust me though, you will not get that hour and a half back! Bitch Slap is a complete mess and a total waste of time! You’ve been warned!

Related posts: